Marketing is a serious business, so that's all the more reason to poke
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A man was out driving, when he came across a
flock of sheep. He got out of his car, and walked over to the shepherd
tending the sheep. He asked,
"Are you a betting man?"
"Why do you ask?", said the shepherd.
"I'll bet you $20, to one of your sheep, that I can guess the size of your flock.", he said.
"You're on", said the shepherd, "How many sheep have I got?"
"367", came the answer.
"That's amazing," exclaimed the shepherd, "You're absolutely right! go and pick yourself a sheep."
Having claimed his prize, the man was walking away, when the shepherd called out to him.
"How about another bet- double or nothing.", he challenged.
"What's the bet?", said the man.
"I'll bet you that I can tell your occupation, and who you work for."
"That's a bet." said the man. "What do I do?"
"You're a marketing consultant, and you work for the government.", said the shepherd.
"That's amazing," said the man. "How did you figure that out?"
The shepherd smiled. "Put down my dog, and I'll tell you."
The Optimist says, "The glass is half full."
The Pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."
The Marketing Consultant says, "Your glass needs re-sizing."
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?"
That's Direct Marketing.
An interoffice softball game was held every year between the Marketing Department and support staff of one company.
The day for the game came, and hard as the Marketers tried, the support staff whipped the Marketing Department soundly.
In their best tradition, the Marketing Department decided to find the best 'spin' they could on the dismal result. They showed how they earn their keep by posting this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the recently-completed Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year.
The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game all year."
When a young marketer met his untimely end,
he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his
eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then
make his decision afterwards.
"I'll see Heaven first," said the salesman, and an angel led him through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to so sedate an eternity.
A Marketing Consultant employed by KFC gained an audience with the Pope, and offered him a million dollars if he would change
A retailer was dismayed when a competitor selling the same type of
product opened next-door to him, displaying a large sign proclaiming "Best
Not long after he was horrified to find yet another competitor move in next-door, on the other side if his store. It's large sign
Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) — Microsoft announced this week that a
version of its Windows operating system will be installed in BMW's new 7
Series cars, a move analysts say will dramatically increase the vehicle's
ability to suddenly crash for no reason.
According to BMW spokesman Gehard Voorst, the cars, which will now take at least five minutes to warm up, will enable owners to confidently cruise and compute at high speeds for several hours before the machine abruptly seizes and catapults the driver through the 7 Series' new "blue windscreen of death."
Productivity and Unemployment Both Going Up, So...
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — With the latest reports showing U.S. business productivity growing at its strongest pace in 19 years, while the number of Americans filing for unemployment has also surged to its highest level in 19 years, economists today concluded that everyone should be fired.
"The numbers clearly show businesses have been getting more and more out of fewer and fewer employees," said Harvard economist Neil Fischer. "So it doesn't take a genius to determine that employees are a drag on productivity, and that were the economy to reach total unemployment, it would therefore reach total productivity."
Critics immediately assailed the theory, pointing out that a similar tactic by AT&T failed when the company cut 120 percent of its workforce to save more money than it earns, and subsequently ceased to exist. However, Stanford economist Rachel Horwith said the productivity postulate was different, and has already been proven in the market.
"Just look at Enron," she said. "Some of their best-producing units, at least on paper, had no one in them working in them at all."
Virginia-based efficiency consultant Harvey Watts, however, accused economists of twisting the facts.
"It's absurd to say that no employees would create more, because there would be no one left to create anything," said Watts. "No, the truth is, we want to decrease productivity. The more people we have producing less, the more people we'll need to produce what we need. So as soon as production stops, boom, you have full employment."
Watts conceded he frequently consults for the French government.
Meanwhile, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan argued both interpretations could lead to disaster. "If people don't have jobs, they can't buy what's produced, and vice versa," he said. "So the bottom line is, if no one really wants what you're producing, then there's no point in making it."
In response, ABC cancelled its entire fall lineup.